[ Editor: A collection of jokes, humorous lists and parodies from a 1997 web page, "Joeks, Jokes, Jokes!"...
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[ Editor: A collection of jokes, humorous lists and parodies from a 1997 web page, "Joeks, Jokes, Jokes!" (http://www.future.net/~federov/ Jokes.html). ]
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[ Editor: the text of the page "Joeks, Jokes, Jokes!"
(http://www.future.net/~federov/Jokes.html), mailed to Chris Cole in
March 1997, cleaned of HTML markup and quoted-printable encoding. The
page's advertising banners, images and "Back to table of contents"
links are omitted. The first five table-of-contents items (50 ways
to get rid of a blind date, Fat Man vs. Skinny Man, Clintons Changes
the Democratic emblem, RedNeck jokes, Kitty Balloon) were links to
other pages and are not in the material. The BRAIN TEASERS section
is in logic/brain.teasers. ]
This page is made of jokes and stuff from other people if they offend
anybody, I'm sorry, but these aren't my opions. I just collected them.
Soon I will be sepearting this page up into smaller pages so it works on
machines that don't have much ram or procesing ablities.
ARKANSAS RESIDENCY APPLICATION
STATE OF ARKANSAS
Residency Application
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth: (_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5
I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users e-mail. I must
admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in
all of them. I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope
in a storeroom, but nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel
about some relative's surgery and how the weather is over on the other
side of the world - that sort of crap.
To relieve the boredom, I remove an e-mail party invite from a user's
mail and post it under the sender's username
alt.singles.with.severe.social.dysfunctions on news, and make a note in
my diary to be there with my camcorder. Should be a blast!
Next in line is the on-line medical records database, in which the
company doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I
grep it quickly for "herpes" and "syphilis" and sell the results to the
local scum newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of
the doctor's on-line electronic diaries for yesterday saying "$500,
Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it should take..
I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like
we really use them, then start looking through archie listings for a
hidden x-gif site. I find one, then start a batch job running under
some user's account to get them all back, charged to him. I make sure
he's got enough disk space for the job by removing any files not
related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate Final Report"
papers that have gotten quite large in the last couple of weeks.
I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I
do a grep on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way",
and post them anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.
Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second,
the phone rings.
"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill Roadrunner
again!
"Has the comput.."
I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the
computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie
missed again!
Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin
down, but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the
UPS in any case; and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle, too.
The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and
it stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the
hockey stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window
it'll look like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.
10 minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what
the hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's
more cartoons!
The phone rings, it's a loser. (What a surprise)
"Computer Room" I say, being efficient.
"Hello, when will the compu..."
I hang up.
I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who
throws spells at you and I'm in!
The phone rings again. I put it on hands-free.
"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.
"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker.
"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough
for me to get zapped by the wizard.
"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles.
He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!
Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device,
set his path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script
in his old login directory to send a nasty message to the equal
opportunities officer, then delete itself.
Now that's trying!
KFC DEAL
Here's what you do, go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and ask for the Nancy
Kerrigan deal: two small breasts and a battered leg.
DARK SUCKERS
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call
these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves
the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light,
and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory
is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in
the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than
there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its
capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater
capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers
don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle
is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will
notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all
the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the
wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in
the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these
primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also
portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark
by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark
storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the
portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in
the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount
of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you
notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of
approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because
the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's
advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of
lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help
push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines,
it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the
ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When
on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of
the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but
when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as
to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember
that it is indeed a dark sucker.
GATESGATE
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia
Mint from the United States government. Final details of the
transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which
included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed
chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from
the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be
opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease
regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper
clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with
the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The
Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all
operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman,
Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency
Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply "Money"
(patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency. When
questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had
obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was
constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of the Windows
look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as
only two examples.
Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his
grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated
that the move to 32-bit operating systems would make it difficult "for
the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in
ever increasing amounts. This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary
for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of
actually buying and installing software," continued Gates.
Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major
ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for
Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering
event in the history of the world, without question." Brian Livingston
said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee got his own
television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its
next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would "all be using it
soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money is now the
standard for currency in the United States." Hillary Clinton was not
available for comment.
GATESGATE II
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven's reception
area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of
people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food
and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while
staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words
TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel
and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a
question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel
Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a
car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first,
unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on
his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here?
Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the
president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every
day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now
there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to
'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large
a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million
people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter
is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the
corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the
actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and
then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a
background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had
Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed
it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with
your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's
not *that* Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction
center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infra
structure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing
everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait _three_ weeks," said Bill.
Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a
mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.
"Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance.
"Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center.
We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a
million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all
running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a
gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing.
The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a
great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger
than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting
the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was
dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly
row-by-row, half a million ....
..... Macintoshes ....
..... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte
of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about
Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on
PCs running Windows, then....
.... GO TO HELL!"
[Witness, if you will, the theme from "The Twilight Zone," gently
playing in the background... of your mind; from no apparent speaker.]
We once again enter... THE GATESGATE ZONE.
It may not be obvious to the non-technical, but the "numbers" are the
ASCII value representations of the letters... now for the fun:
Welcome to Salem Massachusetts, circa the 20th century.
It seems well-known operating systems fall into the same category:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77 + 83 + 45 + 68 + 79 + 83 + 32 + 54 + 46 + 50 + 49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87 + 73 + 78 + 68 + 79 + 87 + 83 + 57 + 53 + 1 = 666
S Y S T E M 7 . 0
83 + 89 + 83 + 84 + 69 + 77 + 32 + 55 + 46 + 48 = 666
Coincidence? I think not!
The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is
known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII values and
adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
(the 3rd) 3
- - - - - - - -
= 666
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or
just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??? YOU
decide!
Goodbye for now... but join us again soon, in... THE GATESGATE ZONE
ADMINISTRATIUM
New Scientific Discovery Announced!!!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major US research university. The element,
tentatively "administratium", has no protons or electrons, and thus has
an atomic mass of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic
mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
"morons".
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact. According to the researchers, a minute amount
administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to
complete, when normally it would have occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of about three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons
exchange places. One study shows that the total atomic mass actually
INCREASES after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. High concentrations can be found at large
corporations, political campaign offices, major universities, and
particularly around all government offices. Traces are found around
the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings everywhere.
The highest concentration found to date is in New York City, airborne
in the vicinity of the United Nations building. Even so, Washington,
D.C., is expected to contain the bulk of the nation's future supply of
administratium.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be very toxic at
ANY level of concentration, and can easily destroy a productive
reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Research is underway to
determine how it can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage.
Results to date have not been promising.
Experiments are now being developed to release administratium in a
chlorofluorocarbon (CFC) compound into the ozone hole, with the hopes
of halting or reversing the process. Other nations are feared to be
developing military applications.
NEWS BULLETIN
**************************** NEWS BULLETIN ****************************
Source: API (New York) PC Tech University
11/9/91 Prof. M. T. Code
***********************************************************************
Scientists at PC Tech, in New York, have reported discovery of a new,
and possibly dangerous life form. Threatening to take over normal
communications channels, this strange organism has sent shock waves
through established bastions of media exchange. Professor M. T. Code,
the head of the Business Communications Department at prestigious PC
Tech University, released this official description of what is known
of this new species.
Name: Sysoptus puttaboarduptus (var. modemus)
A roughly humanoid organism, typically found in its native habitat: a
somewhat disheveled room, dimly lit by a single cathode ray tube,
littered with empty soda cans, twinkie wrappers, and endless stacks of
magnetic film media, encased in black jackets. Physical characteristics
include slightly bugged eyes (a side effect of staring at the tube),
calloused fingers (from striking small plastic plungers situated in
front of the tube apparatus), flattened teeth (from gnashing), and a
deeply furrowed brow. Prolonged observations will reveal the subject
constantly alternating between chuckling, and swearing, with fits of
muttering occurring in between. Clothing varies, but usually will
display a single five dollar bill stuffed into one pocket, accompanied
by a wrinkled ledger sheet entitled, "Contributions to Date". Specimens
have been observed to sleep on rare occasions, but seem to react wildly
to a small series of beeps, emanating from the whining gray box that
supports their light source. Phsycological analysis reveals an
obsessive fixation on the box and tube, with long periods of inactivity
followed by frantic pounding on the plastic plungers. Wild euphoria has
been observed when the box and tube seem to spring into life all on
their own, and deep depression, accompanied by physical pounding on the
box and other objects in the room, when their finger gyrations do not
seem to elicit the proper response from the box and tube. While no
actual dangerous tendencies have been observed, the odd,
semi-ritualistic pre-occupation with the tube and box, along with the
complex stimulus/response mechanisms demonstrated, indicate that this
is a creature that is best left alone and not disturbed. It should be
noted that the box/creature relationship is such that attempts to turn
off the mechanism result in immediate hostile reactions from the
subject. Research continues, and Professor Code is convinced that there
will be a breakthrough in communications with the creatures soon. To
date, all attempts to contact the beings have resulted in endless
requests for the "password" and "security level" of the questioner.
All further attempts result in the same two word phrase being mumbled
by Sysoptus, "NO CARRIER..,NO CARRIER". Language and encryption experts
are attempting to decipher the meaning of this odd phrase, and Dr. Code
expects progress in the near future. Further details will be released
at that time.
Frank Lee Laust
API, New York
POEM
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key....
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
I tried to catch the chips off-guard....
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed an died,
"Oh no....my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data....Nevermore!"
To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity....well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell....
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
POLACK JOKE
Did ya hear the one about the two Polacks driving to the east coast on
the southern route? Seems as they got to Texas they saw a sign that
read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" so when they got to the filling station,
they pulled in, got out, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they
traveled the south they found it difficult to make any real progress as
there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they
finally arrived in Alabama they came across a sign that read "Wanted,
two Mexican males for rape", the two Polacks looked at each other and
thought, Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!!!!
STATUES
Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each
other, in a park, for a hundred years.
An angel came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so
patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded
by half an hour of human life to do what they had been wanting to do
most. So the two statues came to life, looked at each other, and
laughed a bit and said "shall we?" and "yes let's" and they slipped off
behind some bushes and there was a lot of rustling.
After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all
hot and flustered and happy. The angel said they had only used half
their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues
giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, Let's
do it again, only this time we'll do it the other way around. I'll hold
down the pigeon and you crap on it!"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART
10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!"
9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?"
8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish
7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle
this?"
6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers
5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs"
4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn
3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip of
Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody]
2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!"
1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers
WINDOWS VIRUS
Q. Is Windows a virus?
A. No, Windows is not a virus.
Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as
they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.
Maybe Windows is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated,
and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So there! Windows is NOT a virus.
CAR ACRONYMS
AUDI - Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BUICK - Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy
Engineering Techniques
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
CHEVY - Charged HEaVilY
CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Envisioned Yet
CHEVY NOVAS: - (are actually designed by Toyota: Chevota or Toyolet?)
DATSUN - Disgraceful Auto That Stalls UNceasingly
DODGE - Driven Only During Grey Evenings
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere
FIAT - Fails In Attempted Turns
FIAT - Fix It Again Tony
FIAT - Fine Italian Automotive Technology
FORD - Fought Off Recall Demands
FORD - Found On Road Dead
FORD LTD - Found on road dying, Left to die.
FORD - F___er Only Runs Downhill
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily
FORD - First On Race Day
FORD - First On Rust Development
FORD - Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD - Founded On Reservation Dump
GEO - Good Engineering Overlooked
GMC - Get More Chicks
GMC - Garage Mechanic's Companion
JEEP - Junk Engineered Executed Poorly
LTD - Laughable Trash Dump
MAZDA - My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
OLDS - Old Ladies Driving Slowly
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
PINTO - Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PLYMOUTH - Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This
Heap
PONTIAC - Penniless Old Nicaraguan Thinks It's a Cadillac
PONTIAC - Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac
PONTIAC - Pours Out Noxious Toxins In American Cities
PORSCHE - Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything
SAAB - Sad Attempt At Beauty
SAAB - Sorry Auto, Always Broken
SUBARU - Screwed up beyond all repair usually.
TRIUMPH - This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
TRIUMPH - Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
TRIUMPH - The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
TOYOTA - Toyauto
TOYOTA - Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple A
AT&T
It is a parody of a recent AT&T commercial that asks "Have you ever
read a book from around the world?" and responds "You will, and the
company that will bring it to you is AT&T."
Have you ever received an automated sales pitch while you were still in
your pajamas?
Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to your
stolen account number?
Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by faceless intruders from
across the globe?
Have you ever had an employer know more about your whereabouts and
activities than your spouse?
Have you ever been snuffed to dust by a satellite laser while lying on
the beach?
You Will... And the company that will bring it to you is...
[AT&T logo]
BUMPER STICKERS
Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway:
Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.
The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.
Intel - still number 0.999873464508
"Bother," said Pooh, as he found a politician in his honey.
Sorry about the crayon. They won't let me have sharp objects.
Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.
I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.
Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano."
"Bother," said Pooh, as he called in an air strike.
It's a SMALL war, can I have it?
Ambidextrous: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman.
If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!
Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O.
This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities.
People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.
I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco.
Hi. I'm the tagline your mother warned you about.
The proverbial proprietor provides practical proverbs.
If it's not violent, what fun is it?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
In DoubleSpace, no one can hear your data scream.
A single fact can ruin a good argument.
Please, no deja vu; I don't want to go through that again.
Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!
Please reply if you don't get this message.
This product sadistically tested on gerbils.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
"Bummer," said Pooh when Tigger dropped the joint in the honey jar.
The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Next from Intel: the Repentium.
I did NOT escape.... they gave me a day pass.
I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got.
"Why Johnny Can't Read" - Now available on VHS tape.
If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles.
G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns.
Cat bathing is a martial art.
I'm not so much human as cat furniture.
Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton.
Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.
I always wanted to be something, I wish I'd been more specific.
(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today.
Mars needs women - no experience necessary!
"Bother," said Pooh as he strafed the lifeboats.
Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
You're about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.
Circular definition: see definition, circular.
I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died!
THE 30 BBS COMMANDMENTS
Some very intelligent SysOp gave some great thought to how a BBS should
be operated and came up with these 30 BBS Commandments.
1. Thou shalt love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
2. Thou shalt remember thy name and thy password.
3. Thou shalt speaketh to the SysOp thy real name.
4. Thou shalt not POST IN ALL CAPS!
5. Thou shalt Honor thy SysOp.
6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor thy neighbor's
real name, computer, software, nor any other thing of thy neighbor's.
7. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
8. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no
meaning, lest thee be deemed a fop.
9. Thou shalt use the English language properly so that thee may be
deemed wise.
10. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly. Amen.
11. Thou shalt delete thine own mail.
12. Thou shalt delete thine ancient mail.
13. Thou shalt help other users so that thee may be deemed a friend.
14. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
15. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself lest thee be forever
banished.
16. Thou shalt not occupy thy BBS with thine arguments, for Verily, I
say unto thee that thou shalt maketh thyself the charlatan.
17. Woe be unto the user who attempteth to crash thy BBS, for such
shall be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by
doing 40 mega-days and 40 mega-nights of penance in voice-only
communications.
18. Thou shalt first dial BBS number during the day by way of voice
line to assure correct numbers.
19. Thou shalt not post other user's real names.
20. Thou shalt not post messages after imbibing excessively of ale.
21. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests
for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy
hobby; yea, and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst
transgresseth upon these commandments.
22. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then
surely thou shalt spill liquid into thy keyboard and shorteth out
thy central processing unit.
23. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for
membership to thy BBS, for Verily it is Written that whosoever shall
do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be
thus be denied forever and ever.
24. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with thy SysOp's
wishes.
25. Thou shalt observeth BBS time limits.
26. Thou shalt not upload "worm" or "trojan" or "virus-ed" programs.
Amen and Amen, for to do so wilt bringeth foul curses upon thee and
thine, thy children, and thy children's children yea unto the 7th
generation. So shalt it be.
27. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that art already fully
explained in BBS bulletins and instructions.
28. Thou shalt not exchangeth commercial software thru thy BBS.
29. Thou shalt not violate any applicable state/federal/local laws and
regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thee will face the
wrath of thy judicial system.
30. Thou shalt not hack.
ACCORDIAN JOKE
How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.
What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the
sides.
What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
Their personalities.
What is the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A chainsaw can be tuned.
What is the definition of an oboe?
Kindling for an accordian fire.
NEWS HEADLINES
These came from the columnist Bill Mandel of the San Francisco
Examiner. They are his collection of favorite headlines of 1992.
The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went to
jail for failing to pay child support.
Joseph Hazelwood, captain of the ill-fated oil tanker Exxon Valdez, was
hired by New York Maritime College to teach students how to stand watch
on a tanker's bridge.
New York City authorities wired more than 200 bushes in a public park
with burglar alarms.
A young couple trading oral sex on a British train continued their
frolic when a family entered the compartment and sat down. Then the
amorous pair performed "full sexual intercourse" in front of passengers
who boarded latter. It wasn't until the lovers lit up post-coital
cigarettes that witnesses admonished them and rang for the conductor.
Scientists found that watching television sitting up burns 15 percent
fewer calories than simply lying in bed.
A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher
ratings than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.
A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to
board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.
Sonoma County viewers who'd paid $30 to see a Madison Square Garden
tribute to Bob Dylan on cable TV had their Dylanfest interrupted by 90
minutes of soft-core porn. Only one complained.
A San Francisco man dressed as Mickey Mouse on Halloween was beaten on
the street by a man who threatened to kill the would-be rodent "if I
catch you dressed up like Mickey again."
[who said Californian's were strange?]
A government worker in the Philippines who is a hermaphrodite (both
male and female sex organs), became pregnant but was denied maternity
leave because he's legally a man.
Man of God and serious Republican presidential aspirant Pat Robertson
said the Equal Rights Amendment "encourages women to leave their
husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
and become lesbians."
Speaking of the federal deficit, U.S. Senator Dennis DeConcini said:
"We're going to wrassle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out
of control." [yes, that is the actual spelling]
San Francisco police served a jaywalking ticket on a comatose man
hospitalized in an intensive care unit. An investigation revealed the
man, not the motorist who hit him, was at fault in the accident.
One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million
Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state.
A woman in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for
putting her garbage cans out too early.
A lawyer defended himself against charges of microwaving his
ex-girlfriend's kitten by saying he'd put the cat in the oven to keep
it out of his way.
A Los Angeles man on trial for harassing ice skater Katarina Witt
demanded a jury of nymphomaniacs, atheists and agnostics to compose "a
jury of his peers."
A Pennsylvania judge resigned after promising leniency to a defendant
if he could shampoo the man's hair.
A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw
macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire.
An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high
school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed,
was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.
[and, not to be outdone for team spirit]
Mississippi State football coach Jackie Sherrill defended the
castration of a bull in front of his football team (which was about to
play the Texas Longhorns) as "motivational and educational."
A Chicago high school teacher punished truants by making them listen to
Frank Sinatra records.
The CIA classified as "secret" the report of its Openness Task Force.
Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several
cars taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.
CONFUCIOUS SAY
Confucious Say:
1. America good place to put chinese restaurant.
2. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
3. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
4. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
5. Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is f__king nuts.
6. Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have sh_tty time.
7. Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning
with a solution in hand.
8. He who refuses to listen is lying.
9. He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy,
feels nuts.
10. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
11. He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
12. Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
13. Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
14. Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.
15. Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
16. Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
17. Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission grow up to
be shiftless bastard.
18. Confucious say it take square ass to s**t a brick.
19. Rape is impossible. Lady run much faster with dress up than man
with pants down!
20. He who sniffs Coke, drowns.
21. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
22. Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
23. To make egg roll, push it.
24. Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...
25. He who fart in church sit in own pew.
26. He who fucks dynamite gets big bang out of it.
27. She who rides bike peddles ass all over town.
28. He who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.
29. Man who pick nose - head cave in.
30. Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off.
31. Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his
father.
32. Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic.
33. Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
34. Man who piss into strong wind gets wet.
35. Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks.
36. Hamsters which crawl into the wrong orifice get shit-faced.
37. Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
38. Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
39. Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.
40. All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
41. Secretary not part of furniture until screwed on desk.
42. Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker...
43. Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
44. Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
45. He who let woman on top is f***ing up.
46. People who make Confucious joke speak bad English.
47. Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.
48. Confucious say: I didn't say that!!!
49. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky.
WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY...
I'll call you later.
(I don't want to speak to you again)
We can still always be friends.
(I want to use you later on but on my terms)
You look fine.
(I've seen nuclear waste dumps that look better)
We'll only be there a little while.
(A little while in geological terms)
First in owner loyalty.
(We have the most people who want to sacrifice our cars)
Rock bottom prices.
(Yes, the prices put your checkbook between a rock and a hard place)
Once in a lifetime offer.
(If you only live for a day)
Limited edition only.
(Offered for less than two years)
She's a very nice girl.
(Unless you happen to be a guy)
I really care for the people.
(As long as they bribe me right)
Critics raved about this movie.
(Yes, they raved about how horrible it was)
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to
leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've
got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of
frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women
he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight
are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall
in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. "This won't hurt, I promise."
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Subject: Redneck 12 Days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A 12-Pack of Bud
11 Rasslin' Tickets
A Tin of Copenhagen
9 Years Probation
8 Table Dancers
7 Packs of Redman
6 Cans of Spam
5 Flannel shirts
4 Mud grip tires
3 Shotgun shells
2 Huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN...
Your fiancee tells you she "goes both ways."...
Your dog is wearing your slippers and pipe...
You come into work, and find the company's gone bankrupt...
The only date you can find is your sister...
Flowers wilt in your presence...
You whistle at a pretty girl, and she arrests you for sexual
harassment...
A small raincloud hovers over your head...
You wake up and find your furniture missing...
You look in the mirror, and it cracks...
A tall man in a black cape and holding a sickle follows you around all
day...
UNDOCUMENTED ASSEMBLY CODES
Undocumented Assembler Commands:
BAH Branch And Hang
BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BBT Branch on Binary Tree
BBW Branch Both Ways
BCF Branch on Chip box Full
BEW Branch Either Way
BMR Branch Multiple Registers
BOB Branch On Bug
BOD Beat On Drum
BOHP Bribe Operator for Higher Priority
BOI Byte Operator Immediately
BPDI Be Polite, Don't Interrupt
BPM Branch on the Phase of the Moon
BPO Branch on Power Off
BSST BackSpace and Stretch Tape
CEMU Close eyes and monkey with user space
CLBR Clobber register
CLBRI Clobber register immediately
CM Circulate memory
CPAR Crumple paper and rip
CRB Crash and burn
CRE Create Random Error
CRR Convert to Roman Numerals
CU Convert to Unary
CUN Cancel all User Numbers
CZZC Convert zone to ZIP code
DC Divide and conquer
DMPK Destroy memory protect key
DMV Double mains voltage
DNPG Do not pass go
DO Divide and overflow
DWIMNWIS Do what I mean, not what I say
EIOC Execute invalid opcode
EIS Encrypt Instruction Set
EMCP Eject math co-processor
EMPC Emulate pocket calculator
EMW Emulate Maytag Washer
EPI Execute programmer immediately
ERD Eject Removable Disk
EROS Erase read-only storage
EXOI EXecute Operator Immediately
EXOP Execute Operator
EXPP Execute Political Prisoner
FSRA Forms skip and run away
GFD Go forth and divide
GFM Go forth and multiply
HCF Halt and Catch Fire (IBM 360/63 did this at CIT once)
IA Illogical And
IBP Insert bug and proceed
IIB Ignore inquiry and branch
JDO Jump and Destroy Operator
KCE Kill Consultant on Error
LCC Load and Clear Core
MBF Multiply and Be Fruitful
MST Mount Scotch Tape
MVAR Move to Random Address
MVLR Move and Lose Record
OHS Order Ham Sandwich
PBC Print and break chain
PD Play dead
PDM Play Drum Memory (dated, wot?)
PDSK Punch disk
PI Punch invalid
PLSC Perform Light Show on Console
PM Punch Memory
POPI Punch operator immediately
PPS Push or Pop Stack (6502 does this sometimes)
PS Print and Smear
PS* Punch obscenity
PSD Pause and smoke dope
PVLC Punch variable length card
RBT Rewind and Break Tape
RCSD Read Card and Scramble Deck
RD Reverse directions
RDS Read sideways
RFSC Read Feed and Shred Card
RIRG Read inter-record gap
RPB Read Print and Blush
RPM Read programmer's mind
RSC Read and shred card
RSD On read error self destruct
RSD Read and Shuffle Deck
RSTOM Read from store-only memory
RWCR Rewind card reader
RWM Rewind Memory
RWRT Read While Ripping Tape
SD Scatter Deck
SHAB Shift a bit
SHLBM Shift a little bit more
SMR Skip on meaningless result
SOT Sit on a tack
SPD SPin dry Disk
SPOFF Switch processor off
SPON Switch processor on
SQPC Sit quietly and play with your crayons
SQSW Scramble program status word
SRSD Seek record and scar disk
SRZ Subtract and reset to Zero
SSD Seek and Scar Disk
SSJ Select stacker and jam
STROM Store in read-only memory
TDB Transfer and drop bits
TSE Test and Swap if Equal
TSTT Test a Bit for Two
UER Update and Erase Record
UMH Use Mains Voltage as Logic High
WBT Water binary tree
WEMG Write eighteen-minute gap
WPM Write programmer's mind
WRC Write on Read-Cycle
XSP Execute Systems Programmer
CHRISTMAS IS BETTER
The Top Ten Reasons Christmas is better in Russia than in the USA.
10. Radio Moscow doesn't have that barking dog record.
9. Yule twig is easier to light than a Yule log.
8. Toilet paper makes a great stocking stuffer.
7. Russian winter keeps relatives from visiting.
6. Finding lump of coal in stocking not all that bad.
5. Easy to find parking space at mall (tough part is finding mall)
4. Eggnog has less egg and more nog.
3. One-Yak-open-sleigh is much more fun than one-horse-open-sleigh.
2. 12 hour workday discourages people from making homemade gifts.
And the number one reason why Christmas is better in Russia that in the
USA is:
1. No chance at all of seeing "It's a Very Brady Christmas".
POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS
Far East - Asia
Censorship - Selective Speech
B.C. - B.C.E.
Older Students - Non-Traditional
New-Traditional
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Cheating - Academic Dishonesty
Library - Educational Resource Center
Used Books - Recycled Books
Dorm - Residence Hall
Berkeley - Mecca
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Disfunction
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia
Putting... Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery
Insult - Emotional Rape
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
"Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
China - Porcelain
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
Charnel House
CLEAN JOKE
OWATONNA, Minn (AP) {found in a neswpaper from Buffalo, NY}
Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair
of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the
package gets harder to open. It all started when Collette received a
pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of
Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when
he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze
stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to
Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times,
then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the
next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the
pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and
gave them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square,
wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.
Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a
2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with
steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But
they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a
20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a
5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon
container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel
the following Christmas.
Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel
ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on
the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but
succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to
Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it
with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe
shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for
Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of
Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin
with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched
car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get
them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about
how to recover the bothersome britches.
"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
TV AXIOMS
There may be an occasional exception, but these are almost always
true.
1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased
by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. Crazy people are always dangerous.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Ugly people are always bad guys.
9. Good guys are always good looking.
10. Sex, murder, and mayhem is a way of life.
11. Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
12. Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
13. If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep
enough.
14. The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are
always stupid.
15. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
16. Bathrooms are only made for sex, murder, and drugs.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. Women will faint at crucial times.
19. Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Chinese people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.
23. Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
24. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
25. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
26. Indians make good fodder.
27. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
28. Computers never crash.
29. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood
from the corner of their mouth.
30. No one farts, except after eating beans.
31. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 people.
32. Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but
will leave before finding out if it works.
33. Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.
34. Movies based on true stories are always made up.
35. Police never wait for back-up.
36. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
37. Private detective work is glamorous.
38. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the
ninth and two outs.
39. All police killings are in self defense.
40. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
41. Good guys don't take drugs.
42. Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.
Aren't you glad TV isn't true?
LICENSE PLATE FRAMES
(upside down): If you can read this ... Flip me back over
Get In, Sit Down, Hold On, Shut Up
Unless you're hemorrhoids, get off my ass!
I brake for tailgaters
If Clinton is the answer, It must have been a stupid question
P.S. If you want to get rid of cascades, mail a copy of each poster's
posting back to the original and current poster. After a while they'll
get the message.
96.37% of all statistics are made up.
A MOTHER'S LETTER
Here's a little something you all might enjoy. I believe this is an
actual letter a mother had written to her son.
Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most
accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This
place has a washin machine. The first day I put four shirts in it,
pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four
days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue
said was to heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut
them off and they're in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last
payment on Granma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the
whiskey vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought
'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's
still burning good this morning.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was
driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam
out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they
drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here,
will try to write more next time.
Love,
Your Mama
P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up.
CARPER'S INDEX
This was in a recent issue of The New Republic. I thought everybody
might enjoy it.
Sales of Tupperware last year in Lima, Ohio: $890,000
Sales in Lima, Peru: $21.50
Percentage of Americans who think a bagel is a kind of dog: 3
Average amount of wood an American Woodchuck can chuck, in cubic feet:
11
Amount a Canadian woodchuck can chuck: 9
Percentage of articles in an average issue of Harper's that have
previously appeared elsewhere: 65
In reader's Digest: 55
Number of lentils in a bag of dried lentils, on average: 4,832
Number of calls received by the White House after Bush's defeat: 233
After the Gettysburg Address: 0
Change, since the election, in percentage of illegal aliens who say
they suffer from headaches: -5
Number of topless doughnut shops now operating in Broward County,
Florida: 1
Price of a glazed doughnut in Moscow, in rubles: 14,000
Percentage of rats that developed leukemia after hearing a tape of Pat
Buchanan's republican convention speech: 19
After being read "Pat the Bunny": 2
Percentage of residents of Tupelo, MS who do not have air conditioners
but say they wish they did: 32
Percentage of residents of Tupelo, MS who have air conditioners but say
they wish they didn't: 6
Date in November that is the birth of Jerry Lewis: 14
Chances that a dapple-leafed maple in the state of Washington will live
past the age of 8: 1 in 450
Increase, since 1973, in the number of Americans who cannot correctly
identify the day, month, or year: +11
Percentage change in the number of Taiwanese businessmen with advanced
degrees, 1980-86: +3.4%
Percentage of readers who find that fact vaguely interesting: .07%
Number of letters in George Stephanopoulos's last name: 14
Chances that an ostrich has an eating disorder: 1 in 11
Number of gunshots fired in the film Terminator 2: 3,258
In The Rescuers: 11
On an average night in the Bronx's 11th Precinct: 98
Average number of hours of TV watched by an American fourth-grader,
daily: 11.
By a Saudi teenager: .005
Average life expectancy of an asbestos miner, in years: 57
Current age of Ronald Reagan: 81
Year the air quality index in Ventura County is expected to reach
current
levels in Nome, Alaska: 2036
Year President Nixon resigned: 1974
Average annual government expenditure on embossing invitations for
State Dept. Dinners: $400,000
Average annual governement expenditure on polio vaccines for minority
children: $380,000
Percentage of statistics on this page that are numbingly obvious: 61
Percentage that are naggingly polemical: 39
Percentage of Americans who think that public television should be
abolished: 90
Percentage who have sexual fantasies about David Gergen: 6
Number of people in Louisiana who voted for David Duke last year:
542,344
Percentage who read Harper's: 0
Number of times a year Susan Sontag says she cooks dinner at home: 2
What she cooks: pasta
Percentage increase in contempt of Harper's editors for most Americans,
per day: +17%
Chances that you are still reading this: 1 in 850,000
Figures cited are completely made up, as of November 1992. Carper's
Index is not a registered trademark. Feel Free to reprint this in
Harper's magazine next month.
BOOT CAMP
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I
want you *@$&*s$% to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close
enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$&*s!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.
The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger
stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.
"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks
another man across the butt.
"Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one
of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down
sharply on the proffered target.
"Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
TAGLINES
What do you mean? You actually read this tagline?!?
CLINTON = Congressional Leader Inhales Next Toke: Occuring November.
What time is it when you see a Geo following a Geo? Tin after tin.
Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!
"We are upping our standards... so up yours!"
NY cops go bar-hopping, LA cops go night-clubbing.
Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
We're off to see the Gizzard. The wonderful Gizzard of ID.
Two blonds in a Volkswagon: farfromthinkin.
!enif tsuj si gnihtyrevE
Bad Advertising: Rush Limbaugh Home Fitness Center.
"... The prostitution rests." -- Kelly Bundy.
RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory
ROM = Really Old Machine
IBM = In a Big Mess
IBM = Imbecile Behind Macintosh
8080 - gud spel cekkir
NEXT - Next what?
Typing -adj., the art of turning on bathroom light to see the keyboard
Multitasking - Reading in the bathroom.
Documentation - The worst part of programming.
"DEL*.*" - Best file compressor around, 100% compression.
System halted - Press all keys at once to continue.
ERROR, no keyboard - Press F1 to continue.
COBOL - Programmers understand why women hate periods.
MODEM - Deterrent to receiving wanted & unwanted calls.
DOS bugs - They just keep on going, and going, and going.
Coming soon - Netware for Nintendo
Keyboard -n., device for entering errors into system.
Syntax Errors - The only way to keep a programmer busy.
Structured Programming - go with the flow.
Dosshell? Of course DOS is hell!
AMI BIOS? No you are @N@.
486DX4 100Mhz. Do you smell something burning?
Not ready reading drive A: Abort, Retry, Influence with large hammer
Computer lovers' most hated words, "Get your floppy out of my slot!"
Double your Hard Drive Space: DELETE WINDOWS!
To kill a bad sector UNIX it.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!
This tagline is SHAREWARE! To register, send me $10
A feature is a bug with seniority.
Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!
He who dies with the most taglines wins!
Press (ALT-A) to adopt me! I need a better home.
General failure reading drive A: Please remove your fist.
New computer? But I like my vacuum tubes... They keep me warm.
You can multi-task on C64's... Keep a multitude of them.
Error finding COLD BEER. Sysop not loaded.
Windows pratical joke: Write a program that works.
Buy a Pentium so you can reboot faster!
On this BBS, we recycle all our bytes, bit by bit.
Press ESC to enter or ENTER to escape...
My modem isn't slow. It's "baudly" challenged.
My hard disk went on a diet & lost its FAT.
Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something
Classified tagline. Please enter password:_
I *love~my@&*$ computer,&*&( It's ?÷?made in Tai?¬¦ûwan !?
[ Editor: the garbled characters are deliberate; three of them are
non-printing bytes in the source, shown here as "?". ]
Your E-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
This tagline brought to you by Windows: Creator of the biggest virus
5 1/4" and 8" diskettes- good frisbees.
Make friends with sysops: page at 3 a.m.
File not found... Delete user instead? (Y/y)
Have you crashed your Windows today?
Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, is my poodle Satan?
I miss my wife - but my aim is getting better.
Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken....
///\oo/\\\ Bugs?///\oo/\\\ ///\oo/\\\ What bugs?///\**/\\\///\oo/\\\
Paula Jones to Bill Clinton-"No thanks, I choke on small bones!"
How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?
Turn your 486 into a gameboy, type OS2 at the C:\ prompt.
Origin of life? Just check my refrigerator...
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I gess hukd on fonix wurkd for yoo too.
I'm sorry, officer-I didn't know these freeways had no-smoking lanes.
Thunderclap - an extremely violent form of VD.
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
No honey, I can't eat with the family. My computer gets lonely!
Error 3032 - Recursion error. See error 3032.
Ouch! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!
Ohio: Where men are men and the sheep are..... SCARED!
Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent.
I'm not a complete idiot... Several parts are missing!
I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Thinking is a bad habit, be a turnip!
RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure!
"Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all you monks think about?"
Why can't women leave the lid up?
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?
In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.
Liberal tagline: friends don't let friends make up their own mind.
Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.
Preserve wildlife...pickle a squirrel.
I want to live with a synonym girl.
Wheaties and beer: the breakfast of ex-champions.
Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C.
If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.
May your Gakh never wonder off your plate.
McBorg's -- over half a billion assimilated.
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts!
They say give your money to God, but they give you THEIR address.
Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!
He's dead? I thought he was imitating Al Gore.
Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
Support mental health, or I'll kill you!
Help stamp out intolerance!
I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.
Save the chocolate moose!
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
I brake for brick walls.
Fight organized crime, stamp out the IRS!
Eschew obfuscation
I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.
I hate taglines.
It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.
Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?
My life is not organized around high probability events.
We will, we will, pun you!
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.
This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
I'm positively enameled with this subject.
Minding your own business will not be tolerated.
Rabbits reproduce like taglines.
Zen Druidry: transcendental vegetation.
"Dr. Scott!" "Janet!" "Brad!" "Rocky!" "YO ADRIAN!"
Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker.
From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
MicroSoft, makers of the best viruses since 1985.
Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!
Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser.
The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
I think, therefore I am... dangerous.
Nice computers don't go down.
If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.
People have one thing in common, they're all different.
Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.
Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.
I'm having an out-of-money experience.
Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.
The only wormhole I've seen went through an apple.
I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.
Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER
ASSORTED SHORT JOKES
My wife told me of a book about finding the G spot. I went to a
bookstore. I couldn't even find the book ... My wife bought it for me.
There were no pictures, maps, or diagrams. It just said it was about
two-thirds of the way in. Great. Compared to who?
People want to take sex education out of the schools. They believe sex
education causes promiscuity If you have the knowledge, you use it.
Hey, I took algebra. I never do math.
My father said, "Mike, if you masturbate you'll go blind." I said,
"Dad--I'm over here."
Once the teacher told the kids to prepare an essay on the theme "There
is only one mother. The children prepared themselves very well, and
every kid told a beautiful story of love, family and parents. When it
came Johnny's turn, he spoke: "One day I got back from school, and saw
nobody inside. Then I poked in the parents' bedroom and I saw our
neighbor lying on my mother. My mother saw me and told: 'Johnny, go to
the kitchen and bring us two bottles of vodka from the refrigerator.'
So I went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and I shouted: 'There
is only one, mother!'"
The horse and mule live 30 years
And know nothing of wines and beers
The goat and sheep at 20 die
and never taste of scotch and rye
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it croaks
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs and dies at 10
All animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score and ten
And some of us the mighty few
Stay pickled til we're 92
Now on sale, in Aisle 5 of the Divine Supermarket---Lives, and Clues.
Buy yours now and avoid the rush! They make great Christmas gifts!
Cynicism is only realism projected into the future.
If your fondest wish is to fly, don't draw up plans for flippers.
Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used
to take a sunbath there every day. Since there were no higher hotels
near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she
was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone
coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around
her. The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here."
She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you
would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit." She said, "Why
do you care? No one can see." He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying
on the skylight of a dining room."
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a
golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him,
"What'd you do, get some new golf balls?" And the guy says, "Would you
believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made. You can't lose
it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the
woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big
burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes." And his
friend says, "That's great. Where did you get it?" And the guy says, "I
found it."